I thought I was holding together pretty well lately. I have been having fun with the kids I work with. I have been definately enjoying all the new things Ashalyn is doing. I am amazed at how big she is getting and she just keeps getting cuter and cuter everyday with that little unique personality of hers. I have loved feeling Kynzie wiggle about inside of me. And believe it or not, those clothes that I swore I would never pull back out of the box....well, that too I have enjoyed. I have shed a few tears, but I have enjoyed it because I also realize the power God has in these circumstances.
But today at church I realize that I'm still not strong! In the restroom a very strong Christian woman came up to me and said she's been praying for us this past week. She doesnt know what has been going on but we got to talking and it just so happen to leak about the week we have had with Nick's leg. She too seemed very confused as to why it hasn't healed completely yet. As we were talking I had to fight back the tears.
It is so hard for me to sit back and watch him in so much pain still. He had days off for the holiday and he went with pretty limited pain. But those few days off were H*LL for him when he went back.
The first day back he came home and could barely walk by evening. He tries to hid his pain from everybody but people are starting to ask him about his limp. I see him cringe every night when he goes up the stairs to go to bed. I see him pick up his leg with his hands to try and get it to unlock and take it's first step after sitting for a while. I hear the little grunts and groans that he tries to keep in. And I see him sneak in some pain medicine on occassion here and there. So the other night, i finally told him he had to look at me and be 100 percent straight with me about everything. He teared up and finally admited a long over due on his pain.
I had a second opinion scheduled for him a while back, but he didnt go. He says that they aren't going to find anything different. The doctor he is seeing now and that did his surgery says, "you broke your leg in three places, it's going to hurt!" So, he feels like he needs to "man up" he says. Well, I've had enough. My poor husband is in sooo much pain still, 14 months later...something doesnt seem right. It's so hard to see him go through this. I've cried many times because I HATE seeing him like this and there being nothing I can do. But I try so hard to stay strong in front of him.
But hearing the words come from his mouth the other night of him giving up on ever being able to play basketball again or feel normal again. That is NOT okay with me! Nick is by no means a quitter and to hear that just stabbed at me. I'm crying now as I type this because I don't understand how or why he has to go through the physical pain yet too, especially since the emotional pain is still so so SO real to us every day!!
I have considered giving up on babysitting at home so I can carry the insurance and he can become a stay at home daddy and heal. He tells me I am crazy and he won't allow me to do that. He feels strongly that he is the guy and he needs to be the one working. I love him for that, really I do!! But I wish in this time of weakness (injury) for him he would let me step up!
I have become very frugel and concious of our spending and have learned a budget that works for us, so that my money is the extra's for us. But I have yet to figure out something to help with the pain and I HATE THAT!! I want to take it all away from him so that he can enjoy the little things again. Like I mentioned in a previous post, things such as running in after work to get kisses from his girls, playing ball with the guys, leg workouts, going to work everyday, and getting down on the floor to play with Ashalyn.
Anyways, this woman at church...she is such an inspiration and she took the time to notice our hurting hearts still and to pray with me right there in the restroom at church. It meant the world to me, to us!! But made me realize, in this world I am still very very weak. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for!! But at the same time I know and realize that there are many more tears to be shed.
I miss the days of being a smiley happy child had the job of just making people smile!! And my biggest worry was when someone didn't smile back!
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